I had a pretty interesting, tough, and emotionally taxing session with my psychotherapist (I am still debating what to call her for short – my quack? My shrink? My therapist? My psycho?) and I have made some serious decisions about myself and my life with her help which feels pretty good. Even so, there are some tough times and tough conversations ahead of me, but maybe afterwards I will get a bit more control over my life? I really hope so; I really need it.
I think this poem sort of reflects that I can see a way out, but it is filled with a whole lot of pain that I’m not sure I want to experience. And despite the fact I can see the way out, the exit is a LONG way away and there are many steps on which I may either fall down or o’erleap.
That’s about the measure of what I am feeling right now, and a little bit of certainty and direction is a nice break from the fluctuations between debilitating depression and crazy anxiety I have been feeling. I don’t think you can really understand the feeling of nearing a sense of balance until you’ve been without it for years.
But there’s still a huge amount of work to do for myself, and it really starts with deciding to put myself before anyone else for as change, which is very scary.
On the menu today is a Rondine poem, which is (shockingly) a French poem with refrains, not unlike a Villanelle. The structure is: abbaabR abbaR. So what you have is a 12-line poem with refrains that are drawn from the first phrase of the poem itself. In the case of my poem, the refrain is slightly altered each time.
So basically a nice fun way to explore the inner turmoil that haunts my psyche. Kind of like a Sudoku, but with words and feelings.
The Chasèd Star
“You’ve got to get better”, I said,
to no one in particular;
or maybe to myself. Spectacular
hypocrisy glistening deep in my eye,
I watch with futility as I try
to find the accurate vernacular.
“I’ve got to get better,”
is the refrain that I cry out
unendingly, but answers always are
harder to find; a chasèd star
that if – when – it’s caught, by-and-by,
there’s a chance I’ll get better.